Hiding

I feel upset with myself that my mom and sister expect me to bring my boys to my mother’s house for Christmas tomorrow when I have no interest in going. This is always a day that I look forward to, but I prefer to do nothing else but pretend as though it’s not Christmas. I have not a single gift to give my boys for Christmas so I definitely don’t have any gifts to give to my family members. I can’t make them understand that I feel down and depressed so the thought of being there is almost crippling. I hate feeling judged when all I want is support. I don’t see the point in trying to talk to anyone about my feelings because it always seems to make everyone feel uncomfortable. At the end of the day, I feel like no one really cares anyway. People are really only interested in their own lives so what’s the point?

The HoliDAZE.

This holiday season has been the most difficult I’ve ever experienced. Being a single mom of two boys, I have always found a way to make Christmas work and have always had Christmas presents under the tree, but not this year. With each passing day Christmas has crept up like an unwelcome guest that I have been dreading. Today is Christmas Eve and I have never felt more like running away from my life than now.

I don’t understand how I even got here. There is no Christmas tree, no gifts, no decorations of any kind and no Christmas spirit. This has always been my favorite time of year because I always end up finding a way to make it seem magical, but with how things are now I feel like a major failure. I have suffered from anxiety and depression since I was a child and this has been the most down I have ever felt. I feel completely drained emotionally and have no idea how to climb out of this.

The most annoying part to me is when I’m told that I need to focus on what I can do with my boys for Christmas. They give examples like make cookies or play games. I can’t make anyone understand that the way I’m feeling is something I cannot control and I do not have the ability to focus on a way to make it better. Cognitively, I understand that I can find a way to enjoy the day, but I cannot get myself in a place to even make a plan that doesn’t involve our normal traditions. If I had the strength to pull myself out of this deep depression to make this Christmas feel positive I would do it, but I literally can’t handle everything that’s going on or put those things aside to focus on it. It’s sad that I honestly don’t care about anything especially with it being Christmas and I wish so much that I could change this. Unfortunately, perception is reality and I can barely move.

Why does life have to get you so down and make you feel so broken? I feel like I’m in a daze and don’t know how to climb out of this despair I’m feeling. I can only hope that my children don’t resent me forever when Christmas morning comes and there’s no gifts to unwrap, no Christmas dinner and no joy in our home. I wish I knew how to explain to them how hard life can be. I feel like the only thing they’ll receive this Christmas is the idea that they are undeserving and feel like I have taken away part of their innocence.

Tomorrow is Christmas and I am broken.